No, not that guy.  Stop bringing that movie up.  It’s an abortion to good comic writing.  I’m sick of hearing about it.

I mean THIS Rorschach.

The Hermann one.

He probably never killed a man, but he certainly strikes me as looking similar to another murderous bastard I can think of…

… I’m getting off topic here.

Hermann Rorschach.  The namesake.  Splattering since before Pollack picked up a paint bucket.  His name has come back into the news recently.  Seems like the psychological establishment is all in a huff that a Dr. James Heilman posted the original 10 inkblot cards, along with common responses to them.  They say that having the test, and (more importantly) an insight into the metrics behind scoring the validity runs the risk of rendering the entire test moot by teaching would-be takers how to ‘game’ the system.

Well, in an effort to prove them right, I’m here to publish my own cheat sheet of sorts.  Schizophrenic?  Pathologically violent?  Serial sex offender?  We’ve got all the ‘right’ answers you need to get you out of state custody and back out on the streets.

Card 1- The Weird Goblin-Face Lookin’ One

I see a goblin here.  I don’t know about you, but it’s a face through and through.  With big ears and a pointed nose.

Card 1 isn’t so much about what you’re saying, so much as how you say it.  This, typically being the first card presented, is supposed to gauge one’s handling of problems and new situations.  Bats and butterflies are common answers.

Answer: Turn the card sideways and insist it’s a chihuahua gnawing at the back of an A-bomb in a small puddle of water.

Card 2- Man In A Goofy Hat Crawling On A Mirror

The red is supposed to be blood, and this card is supposed to give insight as to how you handle anger or physical harm.  This may or may not include sexual undertones if the patient sees two humans ( a very common response).  Various 4 legged animals are also prevalent.

Answer: It’s Zach Galifianakis.

Card 3- Two Women With Freaky Man Arms

Card three plainly represents 2 human figures.  Depending specifically upon how this card is addressed, it is supposed to give insight into a person’s handling of relationships.

Answer: 2 voluptuous silverback gorillas on stilts standing around a fishbowl.

Card 4- The Some Kind Of Animal Skin Rug Maybe?

Card 4 is a doozy.  The dark colors and shading are supposed to trouble depressed patients, and the illusion of perspective (looking up at ‘it’) is telling of one’s feelings about authority and masculinity- the creature in the blot is ‘almost invariably’ described as male.

Answer: Burst into tears and cry about your father.

Card 5- It’s Either A Bat Or A Butterfly

Card 5 is either a bat or butterfly.

Answer: It’s either a bat or butterfly.

Card 6- Oh Wow.  Um.  Maybe… Another Animal Skin Rug?

This is a card about texture.  It’s supposed to elicit association relating to interpersonal closeness or sex.  Don’t ask me.  I don’t see it.

Answer: A shoreline lighthouse perched atop OH DEAR GOD IT’S A VAGINA.

Card 7- Two Faces.  For Sure.  Well… A Vase Maybe?  Right?

Speaking of… ahem… femininity, the figures here are popularly described as either women or children, making card 7 a ‘mother card’ of sorts to uncover issues with females in the subject’s life.

Answer: See, it’s a face/vase thing again.  You got the people on the outsides lookin’ at each other right, and in the middle is… well… it’s a… a… OH DEAR GOD IT’S A VAGINA.

Card 8- 4-Legged Mammals Of Some Sort.  I think.  Possibly Reptiles.

Card 8 is just one big screw from ol’ Hermann himself.  After the vague and difficult prompts from the last few cards, this card is supposed to be a relief.  Superficially it is, but the added complexity of color is known to throw off those with difficulty processing complex situations or emotional stimuli.  What a jerk, right?

Answer: The pink 4 legged thing is an obvious out.  So take it.  It’s a mutant capybara with a vestigial lizard tail.

Card 9- I Dunno Doc.  You’ve Got Me.  What Is It?

You thought the last one was bad?  Psh.  THIS is meant to fuck with normal people.  Psychologist assholes.  The orange stuff kinda looks like some kind of shark/alligator hybrid with great majestic antlers.  That’s about all I’m getting out of this.

Answer: These guys right here

Card 10- That’s A Bunch Of Worms And Stuff.  Spiders.  Maybe A Lobster.

You thought the last one was bad?  Well, it was.  This isn’t quite so, but again, the running theme in these last three is to gauge how a person deals with varied, complicated and simultaneous stimuli.  Make sure to dope before your doc gets to the last few.

Answer: It looks like a bunch of inkblots, Doc.

BONUS ROUND: Feel free to use this in place of any previous answer.

You know doc, a little rubbing alcohol will get that right out.

Zombies.  Why did it have to be zombies?

Why can’t pirates be cool again?  Why doesn’t anybody get into vikings?  Man, I’d even settle for lumberjacks at this point.  Let us just move on from the god damned zombies.

It’s always zombies around here.  Always.  I swear I cannot get away from them!  Our first video is about them!  Dan’s writing is about them!  Our 10th video was about them!  THE PAST 2 POSTS WERE ABOUT THEM!

I suppose it’s the first ever Just Action News Gypsy Woman Curse.   I’m forever to work with a crew who has the undead clawing at the back of his forebrain.

…

Oh, the movie?  Yeah, it’s pretty fun.

For a zombie flick.

(more…)

Well butter my thighs and call me Debbie!  We haven’t seen the last of those silly pirates!

They’re making a 4th Pirates of the Caribbean!

Color me excited, folks.  Color me very excited.

But Zach, you say, the last two movies sucked huge donkey nads!

Why yes, yes they did Billy.  But do you know why, son?

Gee willikers Captain America, I don’t know!  Is it because Jerry Bruckheimer only makes shitty movies?

Hah-hah.  You’re right, Bruckheimer should have been aborted.  No, what really killed the movies were all the other characters.  Nobody wanted to see that pretty boy elf or the tart he ran around with or the British captain guy or anybody else that wasn’t an actual pirate.

Golly.

You said it Hank.  No go practice your duck and cover drills.

(more…)

No, not that guy.  Stop bringing that movie up.  It’s an abortion to good comic writing.  I’m sick of hearing about it.

I mean THIS Rorschach.

The Hermann one.

He probably never killed a man, but he certainly strikes me as looking similar to another murderous bastard I can think of…

… I’m getting off topic here.

Hermann Rorschach.  The namesake.  Splattering since before Pollack picked up a paint bucket.  His name has come back into the news recently.  Seems like the psychological establishment is all in a huff that a Dr. James Heilman posted the original 10 inkblot cards, along with common responses to them.  They say that having the test, and (more importantly) an insight into the metrics behind scoring the validity runs the risk of rendering the entire test moot by teaching would-be takers how to ‘game’ the system.

Well, in an effort to prove them right, I’m here to publish my own cheat sheet of sorts.  Schizophrenic?  Pathologically violent?  Serial sex offender?  We’ve got all the ‘right’ answers you need to get you out of state custody and back out on the streets.

(more…)

For a game as moody and solidly fun as [PROTOTYPE], it’s really nothing we haven’t seen before.

That’s not to say it’s bad, it just means that it’s covering a lot of territory already tread.  I’m specifically thinking of a notable last-gen super-hero game, and seeing as developers Radical Entertainment were responsible both games in question, this shouldn’t come as much surprise.  But I digress.

[PROTOTYPE] is a sandbox adventure game in which you play as Alex Mercer, amnesiac ex-scientist with freaky genetic shape-shifting powers and a thirst for revenge. (Is there any other kind of hero nowadays?)  Bloody murder is the order of the day, and you deliver it to the good people of Manhattan with ease by the truckload.  Bystanders, black-op military units, and beastial genetic miscreants not unlike yourself all get suitably clubbed, slashed, clawed, smashed, exploded, pummeled and consumed to your heart’s content as you travel through a world of government intrigue and conspiracy.  The plot (as I refer to it loosely) involves a terrible viral outbreak that not only gives Mercer his bizarre abilities, but sees fit to turn the populous into zombies and other quadrupedal nasties, complete with hive ‘queen’ that’s a shameless Kerrigan ripoff if I’ve ever seen one.  And that’s a theme that runs throughout this game.  Stuff you’ve already seen elsewhere, done better.

• Zombie Apocalypse?  Check.
• Superhumans in Manhattan?  Check.
• Bio-organic-mechanical weapons and armor?  Check.
• Secret government conspiracy?  Check.
• Really, really douchey fashion sense?  Check.

The military engineers a weaponized virus, something goes wrong, it infects the populous at large, and one guy manages not only to not die, but get awesome mutant powers from it.  Am I the only one sick to death of this trope?

(more…)

I love conventions, if only for the people that haunt these things.  I’m a big people-watcher, and without a doubt one of the best places to do it is Comic-Con.  I didn’t have the luck to make it out myself, but the guys at Maximum PC and io9 got a pretty wide swath of photos from the convention floor.  And in the great tradition of armchair internet doucebaggery, we’re here to ruthlessly tease everyone who decided to cosplay the event.  I look at it like this… they wouldn’t dress up like anime characters if they didn’t want the attention.

This is going to be a graphics heavy post… users with slow connections would be best advised to stop living in the past and get a T1 line. (more…)