So apparently there’s this blog that monitors what movies are illegally downloaded and well, here’s the top 5 (of 2009):

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. It seems wrong doesn’t it? I mean seriously. Why the F isn’t The Hangover in the number one spot? That movie was ten times better than Star Trek and Transformers combined. I mean, yeah, Star Trek was pretty good but Transformers was just godawful. Anyway. Yeah. The Hangover got jooed. Oh well. There’s always the Oscars…

(Oh, and other movies included in the top ten most illegally downloaded movies for 2009 would be District 9, Harry Potter 6, and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. In case you cared.)

Zombies.  Why did it have to be zombies?

Why can’t pirates be cool again?  Why doesn’t anybody get into vikings?  Man, I’d even settle for lumberjacks at this point.  Let us just move on from the god damned zombies.

It’s always zombies around here.  Always.  I swear I cannot get away from them!  Our first video is about them!  Dan’s writing is about them!  Our 10th video was about them!  THE PAST 2 POSTS WERE ABOUT THEM!

I suppose it’s the first ever Just Action News Gypsy Woman Curse.   I’m forever to work with a crew who has the undead clawing at the back of his forebrain.

…

Oh, the movie?  Yeah, it’s pretty fun.

For a zombie flick.

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Okay, so, you may have read Dan’s post about Zombieland but you should take that with a grain of salt. He’s one of those people. Yeah. Someone who’s into zombies and stuff. So his opinion on Zombieland isn’t entirely objective. And a review of a film (or anything) should at least be objective (but at most be ignored). Having said that I will now give you my opinion on the flick.

It’s the greatest thing ever.

Alright, I jumped the gun a little. I’m sorry. It’s not the greatest thing ever but it’s definitely one of the best movies to come out this year (after The Hangover which is still Number One in my funny bone) so far.

The problem with talking about this movie is that even the slightest little detail could give away a killer punchline so I’ll try to be careful.

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You’re wrong. Anything you’ve ever heard is wrong.

Okay, so I’m not dead. In fact, I’m in pretty good shape. Aside from the bloody kidney stone. Damn sodas.

Anyways, after my long hiatus, I’m back. With a vengence.

A vengence for bad movies.

Bad movies suck.

Man, I’m getting rusty on my writing abilities.

Bad movies suck, that’s why you should go see Zombieland.

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Well butter my thighs and call me Debbie!  We haven’t seen the last of those silly pirates!

They’re making a 4th Pirates of the Caribbean!

Color me excited, folks.  Color me very excited.

But Zach, you say, the last two movies sucked huge donkey nads!

Why yes, yes they did Billy.  But do you know why, son?

Gee willikers Captain America, I don’t know!  Is it because Jerry Bruckheimer only makes shitty movies?

Hah-hah.  You’re right, Bruckheimer should have been aborted.  No, what really killed the movies were all the other characters.  Nobody wanted to see that pretty boy elf or the tart he ran around with or the British captain guy or anybody else that wasn’t an actual pirate.

Golly.

You said it Hank.  No go practice your duck and cover drills.

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Yep. Another remake of an 80s movie and/or TV show. What’s next? A remake of Young Guns? The Breakfast Club? Ferris Bueller?! Let’s hope not, shall we? But back to the meat of this story. The Red Dawn remake that’s currently in the works. It’s already been casted. The only ‘known’ actor announced so far is Tom Cruise’s adopted son who also starred in a movie recently. I think it was the Pursuit of Happiness II: Will Smith Needs Yo Money. I don’t know. I didn’t watch it. People such as Chris Hemsworth and Isabel Lucas will also be partaking in this noble endeavor to comment on the Cold War using school spirit and guerrilla warfare. Don’t worry if you don’t know any of those people. You’re not alone. No one else does either. But look on the bright side of this casting decision: at least the Jonas Brothers won’t be given any screen time. (Though it’s quite possible they’ll be doing the soundtrack.)

As for the plot, well, if you’re a fan of 80s movies or happen to know how to type in ‘Red Dawn’ in on the search bar at IMDB then you probably already know the plot. If not then I’ll wait for you to do that. Go look it up. I’ll wait. I’ve gotta use the bathroom anyway.

… Ah. That was a relief. I don’t know how long I was holding that in for…hey, I don’t remember eating that! …Oh. It’s you. You’re back. Well this is mildly embarrassing. Anyway, yeah, did you look up the plot? That’s a good reader. Do you want a treat? Too bad. I’m all out. Better luck next time.

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